Alicia applies for a small business loan, a la Sarah Palin

Mr. Waterhouse, James -- can I call ya Jim? -- Jim, the reason I'm here today is to show you that I have that readiness that you need me to have as a borrower at this banking institution.

I've won almost every game of Monopoly I've ever played and it's because I have the wisdom and the judgment also needed to forgo that high-priced Boardwalk and the greed and the corruption and to invest wisely in the future with these yellow and red squares near the Free Parking, and build 'em up too. And that's what I'll do as your borrower is to invest wisely with your money. Because I know also though how many folks aren't payin' ya back right now and what we need is a real Maverick there who'll come in there and, and, pay ya back. Listen, I - when my opponents play Monopoly with me they just use this strategy of cronyism and greed. But me, I had enough of that old Monopoly as usual. When I had enough money to put a hotel on Baltic Avenue, I said, you know what? Thanks but no thanks. I sold that hotel on Ebay and bought a school to put on Baltic Avenue instead. That's real reform that we need.

Now I know that some of these "elitist" loan officers say I don't have the experience running a business that will make me successful or that I need to have a written business plan also though. Jim I know you're not like that and I respect you for that. But let me say this - that I have years of experience consulting with my neighbor's kids on important issues surrounding their lemonade stand and with my executive experience too as a manager managing the entire voting and elimination process in our town's 2006 community-center sponosored game of "Survivor". And when I was responsible for facilitating every 4th staff meeting there at my high-school job in the Lake County DMV office there, I built up a strong record of bring all sides together to get the job done there at the DMV.

Now, you may say, $400,000 is a lot of money to give someone who has never run a llama-dairy business before. I could give that money to someone else with more experience who is more likely to repay the loan. But Jim, why do ya think there aren't any llama-dairies around here? It's because for these business insiders who have been in the dairy business for years and years, there's no thinking outside the box - it's just milk and cheese and usual, doggonnit. You know what I say to that attitude? I say thanks, but no thanks. This failure to bring fresh new insight to our industry is what's killing American children also. What we need is a Maverick dairy outsider like me to shake things up, to shake up the milk and the cheese and make a milkshake.

Besides Jim, what a lot of folks don't realize is that in the state where I'm from in Oregon there's a long narrow freeway, the I-5, bi-secting the state, and from that freeway, you can see a lot of flat grassy areas that are perfect habitat for raising llamas also though. So I'm well aware of the issues surrounding llama agriculture and I am prepared when those llamas rear their heads and try to come across the freeway into neighboring farm space, well, I'll make sure I purchase both red, black, and long-haired sheepdogs to keep an eye on the situation there.

Jim, the last thing I want to say here also is that my friend and lover Ronald Reagan told me on his death bed that if he had it all to do over again that he'd start a llama dairy. So it's his policies and his vision there that I'm committed to carrying out here and that I hope you'll support me on. I wanna thank you too though for giving me this opportunity to show my true self and you betcha that together we can go out there and change the dairy industry. School lunch reform. God bless.