Survey says.... Obama-rama

This student just LOVES Americans and she LOVES talking to me because she is SO interested in Americans and she would just like oh my god DIE if she could go to America and she wants to study at Harvard because she LOVES Harvard and like if she went to America does she think people would accept her if she is wearing her hijab? And like oh my GOD she totally loses herself sometimes when she tries to talk too much like Americans and all the Americans are just soooooo nice and humble and down-to-earth and sweeeeet sweet sweet.... except that Sarah woman.

Taste...

Today at work we got a request for the full series of 'Gilmore Girls' on DVD. I'll just let that stand without further comment.

To see what we've been up to lately, I recommend you check out Emmo's blog since she's been much more active at logging our activities than I have.

Yesterday we dug through Dan-O's box of heartbreaking love letters from Chinese girls who fell hard for his irresistible charms back at Camp China 2001, which was fun. But the real news around here is that we all have to get national ID cards by the New Year - a full documentation process including fingerprints and retinal scans that are tied to a single piece of plastic that will be used for everything from seeing a doctor to renewing your visa to leasing a car to getting admission to Wild Wadi. I'm pretty sure they won't let you buy milk or bread without producing your valid retinal scan. The main problem is that registering for an appointment online is impossible since telling several million people that they have to register online for an appointment within 2 months usually tends to.. well... crash the site. So, we may be in bureaucratic limbo for awhile, and might have to live on carpet fiber for a couple of months in the meantime. All in good fun, though.

The Annals Expand

Some of you may be aware that this month is "Breast Cancer Awareness Month". At work, we have a nice display to support the occasion filled with wonderful books about breast health.

The other day, this student grabs a book off the display and asks me, "Miss, have you read this book?" And I reply to her, no, I haven't read the book. And she says, "Miss, I need to ask you a question about this book." And as she's flipping through the pages with the full-color photographs of breasts, I'm thinking, ok, she's offended, this is inappropriate, I've got my spiel ready about how this is medical and you don't have to read it if you don't want to, et cetera. Then she lands on a page.

"Miss, look." She points.

"Yes?" I prompt.

"Miss, they're very.... eh... er.... low."

Feeling somewhat flabbergasted, and unsure of what the question actually is, I say, "...well yes, this is probably an older woman? That's normal....?" [insert raised eyebrows]

And after a pause, the student looks at me and asks, "Miss, is there any procedure to, uhh...." [cups a couple of air boobs with palms and lifts upward a couple of times].

Staying out all night and then going on a Walk-A-Thon

So, two days ago I went out to Verre with Stanley and Emmo, and to learn more about this foray I highly recommend that you hear it from Emmo, as I'm sure she'll be posting in the next couple of days. Also there's a good new picture of our living room on her blog, you can see our new chairs and coffee table. It's almost a finished room!

I digress - back to the subject. Two days ago, we were out and consuming a variety of wines until 2:00 in the morning, after which we caught a cab home and crawled into bed about 2:30. No later than 6:00am, I was up and pulling on my dungarees to head out to the Burjuman breast cancer walkathon - pictured here. I'm somewhere in the middle-right of that crowd. At 6:00am, as I was regaining consciousness and trying to remember why the hell I had signed up for this, I got a text message from the other girl in my building who I was supposed to drive - she had to cancel, and for a good reason. Should I still go?, I mused in text message to the other girl I was supposed to meet at the place. She said, unequivocally, YES.
So, I dragged my certifiable jammie-clad pinked-out self down to the Burjuman, downed a few free bottles of water from our sponsor, Aquafina, and marched 3.6 kilometers around Dubai under the big hot sun with 5,000 other crazed philanthropic lunatics, their kids, and their dogs. Yes, it was fun.

Dust Devil

Here's a picture of the dust devil we saw on the way back from Al Ain. It doesn't look excessively windy, but it WAS! In this picture it lost a lot of dust because it had just crossed the road, but then it started picking dust back up again. I tried to drive right through it but couldn't get there fast enough.

Back on the Wagon

It's been awhile since my last post, and that's because I've been extremely busy, and also there's someone living in the room with the computer that I am disinclined to disturb.

In the news; Emily arrived, and we've been doing an inordinate amount of grocery shopping as a result. I also went to Al Ain this week for a system meeting and decided that, while pretty, Al Ain would be a boring place to live. As a result of that foray, I've been crowned information literacy hoe-down queen and must now present to my three colleagues a summary of information-seeking behavior models so that we can pick one to use as a foundation for teaching activity. I was also crowned "chair" of the committee that's going to be putting together an Everybody Reads program around Jules Verne's classic Around the World in 80 Days next year. Asi se va, I am quite busy.

On the way back from Al Ain, a giant dust devil (I like to think of it as a tornado) crossed the road in front of us in the desert. Exciting! I tried hard to drive through it, but couldn't get there before it had fully crossed.

Enough librarian stuff.

Last night I went out with my galpal who I met at school. She is Emirati and has quite a sense of humor and a surprising violent and stubborn streak, which I find incredibly amusing in the stories she tells. Example 1: And for this example to really take effect, you have to know this girl - she's the type that would go out of her way for anybody and is petite and adorable and sweet as a button. So, when her ex-husband was being controlling and things really came to a boil, sweety-girl went outside in the middle of the night and smashed his car with a rock from the garden while half dressed and waving to him through the window. When she learned the police were coming, she calmly stepped inside, put on and arranged her abaya and sheila, and then went back outside to wait. Then when the police arrived, she insisted to them that she couldn't be trusted to not continue smashing the car after they left again. Therefore, they needed to take her to the police station to file a full report. So they did, and while riding in the back of the police car without the husband she filled them in on how he was a "crazy man". Success? I'm not sure, but it certainly is hilarious.

Let's see.... what else to report? Nothing right now.

Another Excerpt from the Annals of Student-Speak

"Miss, can I make an interview with you for my project?" a student asks me today while I'm sitting at the reference desk. Always happy to oblige, and not otherwise busy, I replied, "Certainly. Ask me."

The first question was deeper than I expected.

"Miss, please talk about what is your character."

I thought about it for a moment. "Well," I began, briefly flirting with the idea of responding with an in-depth examination of my character flaws, and then rejecting that idea, "I am fun, talkative, and sometimes silly."

My answer was met with a deeply furrowed brow.

"Nooooo, miss." My student said somberly, perhaps disappointed that I had told such an obvious lie. "Miss, you are not silly."

Well, look who's so informed. Am I not? I challenged her. "We have never met, my dear." I told her matter-of-factly. "You have no idea whether or not I am silly."

A pause ensued.

"Miss," the student began again, eyeballing me like I was about to get a serious education, and then speaking with the gravity of somebody who really knows something; "librarians are very serious."

Stanley and Emmo come hoooome!

Boy, being home alone is starting to get REALLY boring. After all the initial partying, I've really started to run out of ideas. In the last couple of days, I've been scraping the bottom of the barrel.

* Finishing Cryptonomicon, sneaking ahead on House of Leaves, grabbing random chapters out of whatever else is on the shelf until I go blind
* Writing imaginary scenes into Sarah Palin's life ("Sarah orders off-menu at Sherry's; Sarah goes through airport security; Sarah writes a letter to the Alaska Statesman)
* Randomly cruising YouTube
* Working my way through the first 14 modules of "Learn to Read the Qur'an" online for the 4th time

On the weekends or holidays it's easy to go hang out with people, but on a work night, you're stuffed. I could tell I was feeling cranky this morning because every time my boss said "All's you have to do is.." or "All's it is is"... I felt my teeth cracking open.

Next on NPR: Gun Talk with Stanley

Like so many West-Coast Urban Liberals, I have long held to the highly dubious yet strangely plausible theory that every gun-loving, gay-hating southern redneck harbors a deep and powerful desire for same-sex love. In a similar way, I also believe that every NRA-bashing West-Coast Liberal similarly harbors a secret desire to fire a powerful handgun. This has been true of me for years, but I've been "out of the closet" for awhile now. Mrs. Man was on board and we checked out the possibility of going to a gun club in Portland, but it was going to cost around USD 250.00 to get started which seemed a little pricey so we decided to defer our dream and as per the usual with such things, it dried up like a raisin in the sun. But to my surprise and joy, just nine months later, came the magical day when my sister stumbled across an ad for Samui Shooting Sports. She quickly wished she hadn't mentioned it, and it was soon apparent that she had an aggressive lack of interest in participating in spite of (or perhaps because of) my prodding. As for the shooting itself: I shot a .45 and a 9mm with mixed success. It definitely reminded me of what I've only known academically before: Handguns are hard to shoot, and you sure as hell can't hit anything unless you line up and aim carefully. Other than that, the experience was not magical. I still favor restricting the rights of gun owners to the point that practically all the fun is taken out of accidentally shooting one's neighbor.

We're in Bangkok now, in a backpacker friendly neighborhood, next door to a bar that plays M.I.A. and The Roots and serves a good Mojito but occasionally charges you for ten when you only drank six. Today: Exploring. Tonight: Drinking.

Alicia applies for a small business loan, a la Sarah Palin

Mr. Waterhouse, James -- can I call ya Jim? -- Jim, the reason I'm here today is to show you that I have that readiness that you need me to have as a borrower at this banking institution.

I've won almost every game of Monopoly I've ever played and it's because I have the wisdom and the judgment also needed to forgo that high-priced Boardwalk and the greed and the corruption and to invest wisely in the future with these yellow and red squares near the Free Parking, and build 'em up too. And that's what I'll do as your borrower is to invest wisely with your money. Because I know also though how many folks aren't payin' ya back right now and what we need is a real Maverick there who'll come in there and, and, pay ya back. Listen, I - when my opponents play Monopoly with me they just use this strategy of cronyism and greed. But me, I had enough of that old Monopoly as usual. When I had enough money to put a hotel on Baltic Avenue, I said, you know what? Thanks but no thanks. I sold that hotel on Ebay and bought a school to put on Baltic Avenue instead. That's real reform that we need.

Now I know that some of these "elitist" loan officers say I don't have the experience running a business that will make me successful or that I need to have a written business plan also though. Jim I know you're not like that and I respect you for that. But let me say this - that I have years of experience consulting with my neighbor's kids on important issues surrounding their lemonade stand and with my executive experience too as a manager managing the entire voting and elimination process in our town's 2006 community-center sponosored game of "Survivor". And when I was responsible for facilitating every 4th staff meeting there at my high-school job in the Lake County DMV office there, I built up a strong record of bring all sides together to get the job done there at the DMV.

Now, you may say, $400,000 is a lot of money to give someone who has never run a llama-dairy business before. I could give that money to someone else with more experience who is more likely to repay the loan. But Jim, why do ya think there aren't any llama-dairies around here? It's because for these business insiders who have been in the dairy business for years and years, there's no thinking outside the box - it's just milk and cheese and usual, doggonnit. You know what I say to that attitude? I say thanks, but no thanks. This failure to bring fresh new insight to our industry is what's killing American children also. What we need is a Maverick dairy outsider like me to shake things up, to shake up the milk and the cheese and make a milkshake.

Besides Jim, what a lot of folks don't realize is that in the state where I'm from in Oregon there's a long narrow freeway, the I-5, bi-secting the state, and from that freeway, you can see a lot of flat grassy areas that are perfect habitat for raising llamas also though. So I'm well aware of the issues surrounding llama agriculture and I am prepared when those llamas rear their heads and try to come across the freeway into neighboring farm space, well, I'll make sure I purchase both red, black, and long-haired sheepdogs to keep an eye on the situation there.

Jim, the last thing I want to say here also is that my friend and lover Ronald Reagan told me on his death bed that if he had it all to do over again that he'd start a llama dairy. So it's his policies and his vision there that I'm committed to carrying out here and that I hope you'll support me on. I wanna thank you too though for giving me this opportunity to show my true self and you betcha that together we can go out there and change the dairy industry. School lunch reform. God bless.

My wireless keyboard seems to be running out of batteries

...but that won't stop me from listing my six quirks after being tagged by Midge. I know you all just had to read Dan-O's six quirks, but this is how these things work, it's like a chain letter, you're bound to get 10 or 20 in the same week. Speaking of which, when I was a small child, my mother absolutely forbade me from participating in the chain-letter scheme, and I can't for the life of me figure out why, because it only would have cost 12 stamps. 12 stamps is a small price to pay to let a child figure out that forwarding chain letters returns no benefit, a lesson that I didn't learn until I was 23. Thanks, Mom.

Quirk #1: Use of non-existent vocabulary to describe the surrounding world and effect communications. Examples: "Ahkamini" (ice cream) "Leekoo" (tickle) "scatchy" (scratchy) "Shoe-en and Socken" (shoes and socks) "Yaka" (jacket) "Sammy" (sandwich).

Quirk #2: Wholesale elimination of certain English words from use, in favor of Spanish ones. Examples of English words I haven't said in a least a year: "Towel" (toalla), "Let's go" (vamonos), "Ready" (listo), "Excellent" (excelente), "Map" (mapa) "Bush" (gringo malo).

Quirk #3: Crippling, deathly fear of spiders - a physical reaction to the sight of any spider which leaves me unable to speak clearly, think, or save myself.

Quirk #4: Addiction to news & political analysis.

Quirk #5: Can't, physiologically, actually get drunk. I'll drink myself into a coma before I"ll forget where we parked the car or lose the ability to properly calculate an 18% tip.

Quirk #6: Uncanny ablity to decipher Radiohead lyrics.

A Brief Excursion to Thailand: Day 3

Day 3 in Thailand on the islands of Ko Samui and Ko Phangan. What can I say? The water is blue, the weather is hot, the pace (at least here on the islands) is slow and easy and I've now ridden an elephant. After a 4 hour delay in The Kingdom of Bahrain, during which I thought I was going board the plane three different times and also during which I burned through 3 different phone cards while on hold with Expedia changing my BKK to USM flight, I landed, called Emily (who told me of a new ferry that left late enough to get to Ko Phangan the same day) and found the pier in time to drink a beer with an young Israeli who was also just arriving and heading to Ko Phangan. The boat took off from the pier while the sun was setting and...well shit...again...what can I say? I am a person who gets to go on vacation in Thailand. Feels a little absurd, really.

After haggling over a taxi to the Coco Garden Bungalows I found my sister waiting on the porch, promptly ate a decent meal by the ocean, drank too much duty-free rum while laying in a hammock and bullshitting with sis, woke up with a hangover, almost got sick riding in the back of the pickup on the way to the elephant safari, but managed to pull it together and enjoy fantastic weather and the wacky experience of sitting in a chair strapped to the back of a big freaking elephant (side note on elephants: they have weird skin that's sparsely hairy and when you put your hand on them they fel impossibly tough and solid, almost like a machine or something. You can't feel the heat of their blood or the muscles moving, just this amazing unstoppable force or immovable object or something like that).

Anyway, that was awhile ago. We're now on Ko Samui and have a sweet bungalow and a rented motor scooter on which we've been cautiously flying around the island. We had the best meal I've had so far on the trip today: curries, muscles, shrimp puffs, seafood soup. Unbelievably tasty. Tonight we're going to a restaurant which has been hyped as the best restaurant in all of Southeast Asia by some folks who claim to know. We're not convinced, but are very much looking forward to judging for ourselves. Bangkok is next on the agenda, and while not without it's charms I'm sure, it will likely not be as idyllic as this.

Midweek update

Well, my week isn't exactly turning out as planned. There's turning out to be a lot less fjords and Oman, and a lot more diamonds! Yesterday I spent all afternoon wandering around the gold souk and getting a serious education in diamonds from my friend who was with me. We looked at probably 500 diamonds of all cut, color, clarity and size and by the end I was eyeballing diamonds from across the room and thinking 'ehh it's kind of yellow' or 'oooh the plane on the top is too disproportionately large' or 'mmmm how much money do I have?'. One shop had a little diamond-detector machine thingy that we were using to test things to see if they were diamonds. We tested our fingers, and some gold, and the glass display case, and some diamonds, and sure enough, it only indicated that the diamonds were diamonds. I did learn that I have a diamond in this ring I inherited from my grandmother, which I wasn't sure about before. I also examined a diamond-and-sapphire bracelet that I discovered costs about $35,000. I told the shopkeeper I'd need to sleep on it.

Unfortunately, Leonardo DiCaprio taught me in 2006 that the diamond trade is evil and causes young people to lose their limbs so now I can't realistically buy a diamond unless it is certified conflict-free, and unfortunately in this gold souk, everyone tells me their diamonds are from Belgium and they are cut in Hong Kong, but they can't prove it, and it doesn't seem plausible to me that the diamonds are mined anywhere near Belgium, which is the main problem, and they also can't tell me for sure that children in Hong Kong aren't losing their limbs cutting the diamonds. So, no diamonds for me.

So today we drove to Abu Dhabi and had high tea at the Emirates Palace, and let me tell you, I'm certain there were a lot of diamonds in that place. I am now back down on earth and tomorrow I'll have top ramen for lunch.